God

[Ozzy_aka_Pothead]

 Vladamir Putin, George Bush and the Rev Ian Paisley all die in a plane crash....

As they were entering heaven, God met them and explained that they were not supposed to die as it was not their time, and in 4 days time he was going to destroy the world, so God allowed them to return to earth.

Putin addressed the Russian peeps, saying, I have good news and very bad news,.. There is a God and an afterlife, he said adding... but God is going to destroy us all in 4 days time..

Bush addressed the American peeps saying more or less the same thing as Putin, but nowhere near as articulate.


The Rev Paisley told his peeps

 "I have  good news and really great news to tell you.... Firstly there is a GOD and secondly...  THERE WILL NEVER BE A UNITED IRELAND IN OUR LIFETIME"

cHeErS

oZzY %)

[Ozzy_aka_Pothead]

[MagpieDi]

Here's a religious/rugby one just for you Ozzy !! ::)  ;D

Justin Marshall, Kees Meeuws and Carlos Spencer are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Marshall first he asks, "what do you believe?" Marshall looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Rugby to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the grim South as the bright lights of Jade Stadium. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting Canterbury."

God looks up and offers Marshall the seat to his left.
He then turns to Meeuws, "and you, Kees, what do you believe?" Meeuws stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits." God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Meeuws the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Spencer, "and you, Carlos, what do you believe?"

"I believe..." says Carlos "...you're sitting in my seat"

 ;D  ;D  ;D

[rosebud]

 REALLY OZZY :o.ROSEBUD

[Ozzy_aka_Pothead]

Ha ha ha Nice one Maggie

heres another one for yooze


A man runs out of a Belfast pub with one of his arms on fire...

The Police charged him with having an Armalite :) :) :)

oZzY %)

[MagpieDi]

Keep 'em coming Ozzy!!  ;D
If it wasn't for you and Hugh ......treading these boards would be sooooo dull!!!!!!  ;)  ;D

[Hugh_Jones]

Late posting due to complete brteakdown of ISP...

The Pope had just finished a tour of  Ireland and was taking a limousine to Dublin airport.

Having never driven a limousine, and as the Irish roads are comparatively quiet, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbed into the back seat and the Pope took over the wheel.

The Pope soon got the hang of things and started to put his foot down a bit to see what
the limousine could do, and in next to no time the speedometer needle zipped past the 100 mark. He was really enjoying himself when suddenly he saw blue lights flashing in his rearview mirror, and there were the friendly local Garda right on his tail.

He pulled over and stopped and the Garda Officer came to his window. The Pope, looking saintly as ever, said "Good morning my son. Is there a problem?"  Well the Officer, being a good catholic immediately recognised him, did a quick rethink, and said "Just a moment please your Holiness, I need to call in."

The Officer radioed in to Headquarters and asked for  the Superintendent. He told the Superintendent.  "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."

The Superintendent replied "Who is it, not Gerry Adams again ?" The trooper said, " No, even more important." The Superintendent said, "It's the Prime Minister then, is it ?", the Officer replied "No, even more important." "It's isn't the President is it ?" "No, more important still"  replied the Officer.

"Well WHO the HECK is it !", screamed the irate Superintendent.

"I don't know " said the Officer. "But I think it must be God because he's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

[rosebud]

Excellent Hugh i print them all and pass them around  :D
Cheers Rosebud :)

[Hugh_Jones]

Ah, but the best ones are reserved for the bicycle shed tutorials!

[MagpieDi]

Apologies...I digress...but GOD of the moment!!...It's a gem  ;D




Is it blurred....or have I had too many hot toddies this eve??  ;)  ;D

[Ozzy_aka_Pothead]

Yo Hugh

Nice one ::)

Heres a bit of rish logic for ya

whilst driving down the r660 towards Cashel... Finbar wuz driving very very fast, his passenger Sean, sez to him..

"Slow down Finn. your driving mental.... slow it down will ya"

Finbar replied " you think this is fast? ..... You wanna see me when I am on me own"

"I'd hate to be with you when  your on yer own" Sean replied

oZzY %)

[Hugh_Jones]

Funny, I heard one about your pal Sean.

Sean went to confession, and said "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned".  

The Priest asked "Was it a sin of the flesh my son?"

 "Yes Father" said Sean.

"Was it with young Kathleen?" asked the Priest

"I cannot betray the name of the young lady Father" replied Sean

"Was it with Mary Finnegan?" asked the Priest

"I cannot betray the name of the young lady Father"

"Was it with Bridget Murphy?" asked the Priest

"I still cannot betray the name of the youg lady Father"

"Very well my son. Say five Hail Marys for penance and mend your ways" said the Priest

As Sean left the church his friends were waiting. "What did you get?" they asked

"Five Hail Marys and three new prospects"