Too old to live alone.

[Lillypad]

Cazy,

You have my sympathy as your situation appears impossible. One thing has crossed my mind as a possible way in, so to speak.

You say you bought the bungalow. Do you actually own it? If so, surely you have the right to inspect your property. I understand neither you nor your boys can physically do this, but your 'appointed agent' can and might then be able to report back to you. I also suggest you get another solicitor to go over the contract you have to see what rights you have (eg, should you be told if your mother damages or leavesthe property) and whether your old firm served your interests properly - if not, you might have grounds for sueing if you wished.

I realise this isn't a pleasant way of approaching the problem, but thought it worth considering. Good luck, but if there really is nothing you can do, you should feel happy that you have done all you possibly can.

Lillypad

[Lillypad]

[Esre]

I have no idea about the housing arrangement but you say you bought the bungalow for your Mother, would it not be feasible to do a property inspection if it's in your name?

I'm in rented and my landlady sends the plumber every year to check the boiler (which is a legal requirement) and she pops in every so often just to give the property the once over.

She doesn't have to be there, you could go with an escort but it would give you an idea of the conditions she is living in.

Just a thought and you have my sympathies, hopefully you'll get some information soon.

EDIT: There's a post from Lillypad that I can only see when writing a reply so sorry for repeating her, it's not showing in the normal thread.

[cazy]

Thank you Lillypad and Esre, I think you may have something there.

You've also reminded me of a letter I sent to my mother and my/her solicitor after the problems my friend had when they went to see my mother on my behalf, a few years ago now, I will dig it out.

I say my/her solicitor because he drew up the agreement for me and I had used that firm of solicitors for several years, but she seemed to have hijacked them. 

I haven't quite worked out how this came about, it didn't seem right at the time but I never questioned it.  I am certainly going to do so now as the situation calls for it.  In fact I'm getting quite cross about it.

The letter.  After my friend had paid her a visit and I had been told an injunction would be taken out should it happened again, I wrote a letter to remind them that I was the owner of the property and although my mother does not pay any rent she was in effect my tenant and I was her landlady, and as such, I, or someone I appoint has every right to inspect the property providing my mother was given adequate advanced warning.

I also mentioned that if anything happened how would I know, the letters as usual were ignored.

The agreement states that she can live in the property until she dies, chooses not to, or is not fit to, not quite in those words but you get the gist of it, I'll dig that out as well.

I did achieve one thing today.  I am selling my house and managed to get the estate agents fees down from two percent to one and a half.  ;D  I will also have to find a new solicitor, might come in handy.

Mean time, I will write a few letters tomorrow, hope to hear soon from my mother's next door neighbour and try and come up with the least traumatic way to visit my mother.  I have friends who will take me to Luton but that's not the bit I'm worried about.

Emagggie and Trixiebelle, those cyber-hugs and kisses really do work, I needed them, thank you.

[Rosa_Mundi]

Cazy, reading through this thread the one thing that struck me is your comment that recently, your mother has become very unpleasant, according to her neighbours. I don't want to worry you even more, but have you considered the possiblity that she might have Altzeimer's? Some of the symptoms you describe - losing things, hiding things, forgetfulness, irrational unpleasantness - aren't the prerequisite of old age, but they are symptoms of the disease. This may help you when dealing with the authorities - and I do know how difficult it is to do, as I've been through it.
You have my sympathy and, as others have said, don't run yourself into the ground over it. Unless you prove your mother incapable, she is legally entitled to do more or less what she wants, although you do have rights as the homeowner.

[Slug_killer]

Did the woman for Social Services get back to you ?

If your mother is known to them, then they have a responsibility of care - which means that she is at last medically ok (or being treated), her/your accommodation is in a fit state to live in and that she is capable of looking after herself.

Also you can ask if you are listed as the Next Of Kin (a box on Social Services forms that HAVE TO be filled in). If you are then you are entitled to access a whole host of infomation. If your not NOK, do you know who would be - and try to contact them.

Do you know who are the executors of your mothers will ?  They might act as intermediary.

It does appear that your mother has gone to some length to stop you contacting her - perhaps you should abide by her wishes. (not what you want to hear but how would you feel if you were constantly pestered by someone you didn't want to see).

[cazy]

The woman from Social Services didn't get back to me.  She said she would only do so if mother was familiar to them.  It was late in the afternoon so perhaps I will hear from her today.

I don't constantly pester my mother Sk.  I send her three cards a year and have only
ONCE asked ONE person to visit her on my behalf as mentioned in a previous post.  I only ever phoned my mother to return a call or visited her when she invited me.  Her rules not mine.

I know this makes strange reading, perhaps a little more insight might give a better understanding.

My mother was a career woman; it was the only thing that ever mattered to her. She was very successful but not always popular. She is used to getting her own way.

My mother and I have never had a ‘normal’ mother/daughter relationship.  I saw very little of my mother as a child and my father was in the Army, my grandfather was the only constant in my life.

Tin can mentioned that ‘now I was feeling rejected’.  I was rejected at birth, mother wanted a boy, simple as that.  I have an elder sister whom my mother adored; she fell out with my mother some twenty years ago and dumped me soon afterwards.  Since then my mother has run hot and cold on me to the extremes.  I have always done exactly what she did and didn't want, in an effort to please her.

Any way, back to the topic else Dan will stick me in the listening post.

I will try Social Services later, but I doubt if I will be listed as Next of Kin.

My mother's solicitors and an old friend of hers are the executors of her will.  Her friend will be long gone now.

Altzeimer’s had crossed my mind too Rosa, trouble is mother has had those symptoms for years to a greater or lesser degree. She was a hopeless homemaker and not it the least bit family orientated, she freely admits it, but as soon as she put on a business suit she became a different person.

I am seriously thinking along the lines of senile dementure though.  She must be lonely and old people can get very depressed.  So sad when she could have all her family around her.

Wish the phone would ring.

[theothermarg]

oh cazy i have never been in your position so can,t begin to know what it feels like but perhaps it is time to stop hitting your head against that brick wall
i am i believer in what can,t be cured must be endured. you have tried again and again to be a good daughter but she appeares not to have a motherley feeling in her body just be thankful that this isn,t inherited and you have a family that you love and are loved back. you have always played by her rules i think she deserves the miserable old age she appears to have. i,m sure yours will be a lot different
marg

[Emagggie]

Easier said than done, Omarg. It's so difficult to walk away, whatever has gone before.

[Lillypad]

Cazy,

I know I'm repeating myself, but please consult another solicitor or the CAB about the agreement which was drawn up. The more I think about it, the more I think your previous solicitor should not have acted for both you and your mother and this is causing some of the current conflict.

If you can find someone who can inspect your property (preferably a trusted friend who can also give you a report on your mother), get the inspection appointment arranged by solicitors - do not try to do this yourself. As Esre said - you have certain legal obligations as a landlady, which you might be able to use to your advantage in this terrible situation.

I am so sad that your generosity in providing your mother with a free home has caused you such pain.  The possiblity of senile dementia has been raised and I think it highly likely that your mother has this as from my experience it seems to exaggerate the worst personality traits of one's younger days and completely remove anything nice from the personality. From what you say, something like this has happened to your mother. I'm sorry I'm not being more comforting.

All the best. I hope the best wishes of all A4A posters are helping you.

Lillypad

[cazy]

I must admit theothermarg that there are days...  But as Emagggie says it is difficult to walk away.  She is a sad old lady who has missed much joy in her life and I feel sorry for her I suppose.  I think a lot of her behaviour is defensive.

I phoned Social Services about four this afternoon.  They remembered me but said there was a huge backlog, so they took my details again and said they would put it in the tray?  

You know what it's like ladies, you get this little niggling feeling at the back of your mind that something is not quite right.  If I have not heard anything or made any progress by Monday of next week, I will probably make plans to go and see her.  Just don't know what else to do.

[cazy]

Don't apologise Lillypad, you've hit the nail right on the head.  My mother's worst personality traits are certainly becoming more exaggerated, Senile Dementia is a distinct possibility.

I will most certainly seek advice on the situation regarding the solicitors refusing to act on my behalf on a document that I had drawn up.  Dug the file out today, it was called a 'Declaration of Trust'  I have been through all the paperwork.

For the purchase of the bungalow for my mother, the sale of my house, my divorce, my will, and the drawing up of the Declaration of Trust they were working under my instruction and had been for several years.  My mother wanted to make her will and that was done on the same day the Declaration of Trust was signed and witnessed. 

Sometime later they drew up a document under instruction from my mother and suggested I consult a solicitor before I signed it.  Surely at this point, working for two different parties, they should have asked my mother to consult a different solicitor. 

Later I wrote to them requesting information on the insurance of the bungalow which is her responsibility as stated in the Declaration of Trust.   '6c   She will insure and keep the property insured against loss or damage by fire explosion storm tempest...'  but they refused to take my instruction, conflict of interest.  I did however ask them to lodge my letter in my mother's file if they could not act on my behalf. 

I will write to the solicitors and request an inspection appointment, whatever their responce I will take it from there.

I have a lot going on at the moment, not all of it pleasant. The posts of all a4a members are helping me tremendously, probably more than you know.   

[Hyacinth]

Whew! All my very best wishes go out to you Cazy :-*

A point...you mention that she has gas appliances fitted in the bungalow? It's a legal requirement that they are serviced annually by a qualified Corgi inspector as you are the owner and your mother, effectively, your tenant(or, given your mother & your particular circumstances has this been your mother's responsibility do you know?) If yours,  I'm wondering if you might know of anyone qualified to do this work and issue a certificate to contact her arranging an inspection and get feed-back this way?

Just a thought, and again, all the best to you,

Lishka

[cazy]

A very good thought Lishka, one I would have put to her solicitors today had I not received a rather unpleasant letter from them this morning.

Reading over the Declaration of Trust, my mother is responsible for maintaining the property to the condition it was when she moved in.  According to her neighbour on the adjoining bungalow, (I wrote to him end of last week I think) she has let the property fall into a total state of disrepair and refuses to talk to him.

I initially wrote to her solicitor with regard to her welfare and living conditions as she refused to speak to me.  I had no other contact.  They obviously contacted my mother.

The letter I received from them was five paragraphs in all.  The last one stated that ‘We therefore require you to desist harassing Mrs …’  …and that all communications must be made through a solicitor.

Apparently my long lost sister has contacted my mother again after seventeen years.
She has her favourite daughter back in her life to care for her and it explains why my mother is refusing to have any contact with me

My sister and my brother-in-law are more likely though to take care of her possessions and finances.  My brother-in-law is a con-man; a petty thief and in the habit of borrowing money from friends and family.  He has never paid back a single penny to any of us, this is why my mother and my sister fell out in the first place.  This though will not influence my mother now, as long as she has my sister back in her life. 

The word dysfunctional springs to mind, I am beginning to feel very ashamed.

My house with its beautiful garden is up for sale for personal reasons; I have to give up my allotment because I’m moving away.  I just wanted to see my mother and make sure she was okay before I left.

Thank you everybody for your advice and support, you really have helped me a great deal.  I only wish the outcome had been better.  I suppose this thread is about done now, time to stop banging my head against a brick wall.

[manicscousers]

cazy, whatever happens with this lot I hope things get better for you, take care of you , manics x

[Rosa_Mundi]

Cazy, many people have dysfunctional families - it's not your fault, and it's nothing to feel bad about. You've done your best for your mother, but it looks like time to move on.
Here's wishing you happiness in your new home; I hope it has a garden for you to transform, too.

[cornykev]

Best of luck to you Cazy, I can only agree with the last two posts.  :-*

[kitten]

I agree with the others too cazy, best of luck for the new chapter in your life, it sounds like you deserve some decent 'you time' so do make sure you get some

Just one request - don't be a stranger, do try to look in on us from time to time, we're all here for you if you need us  :-*  :-*

[cazy]

You are loverly.  Probably won't post much for a bit, a lot to get on with, but that doesn't mean I wont be lurking around. :)

[Emagggie]

Best of luck from me too Cazy, Look forward to future postings when you are settled.